[Not the Peterborough Correspondence Chess Society] [NSFW]

Chess has well-known links to mathematics and music, but what about believing six impossible things before breakfast?

Just finished watching the Bobby Fischer film, and how sad it was to see him in the grip of paranoid delusions.  Ironically, this son of a Jewish mother and probably a Jewish father, and one of the most creative minds over the chessboard, came to be obsessed by the most dismal and commonplace fantasies of Jewish conspiracy.

I guess it shows that being intelligent doesn’t stop you believing daft things.  Being insane helps, but even among the sane, we have other exhibits:

• James Plaskett’s lonely campaign to convert Guardian readers to creationism e.g. http://www.guardian.co.uk/discussion/comment-permalink/10755207
  • I had a long and fruitless email exchange with him about this, which I abandoned after I learned he was clinging to a definition of ‘species’ about a century out of date.
• Nigel Davies entertaining the idea that some Indian faker can survive without food for decades: http://tigerchess.wordpress.com/2010/04/30/prahlad-jani/ and practically accused me of racism for questioning it [rats, he’s pulled up the ladder since…]
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• Jeremy Silman’s indulgence of (belief in?) astrology: http://jeremysilman.com/astrology/celestial_chess_2.html
  • The personality of the chess player is greatly influenced by the astrological sign of the zodiac under which he was born. This sign generates a subconscious pattern of responses producing a chessic style, which is unique. Knowing your or an opponent’s sign yields precious information you can immediately use. Below are some clues to the 12 zodiac chess personalities.

    The ARIES Chess Player (Mar.21-Apr.19). True to form the Aries is aggressive, impulsive and a sheer dynamo in life as well as over the chessboard. He is full of enthusiasm for his opening favorites, though that changes from game to game. Always looking for that killer first or second move, he basks in the confusion that his innovations present to his opponent. Is the Aries’ luminescence a wave or a particle? Both. One minute his play pulsates with surprises and tempo gaining moves; next in a series of swift exchanges, a pawn advantage materializes before the opponent realizes his miscalculation. Trigger happy, he has a military leader’s instinct to notice weaknesses in the foe’s game before they are obvious on the board. Focusing his pieces on that spot, the Aries checkmates faster than any other sign. The Aries bravura intimidates before, during and after the game. His air of impenetrability; his highly charged personality; and the way he grips the pieces, especially when capturing, present a formidable challenge. He salivates when playing those in a higher category and like a wolf in sheep’s clothing he’ll act ever so humble before the game begins. But his desire to win can only be masked for so long and soon he is plundering his foe, keeping him off guard with very aggressive, maybe even reckless, moves. His momentum is so powerful that the opponent may be swept under by its sheer force, acting and playing at the Aries’ pace rather than his own. The Aries reserves his most splendid, come from behind, themes for players who have in some way disparaged him in the past. Is the Aries’ playing style one of fury or time pressure an opponent may ask? Does it matter? For in that one nanosecond of doubt the Aries foe capitulates.

    
    The TAURUS Chess Player (Apr.20-May 20). Tempted by the great pleasures of life, the Taurus is a bon vivant whose greatest gratification comes from pricking the egos of others. Picture a confectioner handing out free habit-forming, spiked candy to a chocoholic. That’s the way the Taurus slyly embeds his games with his own distinctive playing style: one of seduction. Taurus is an earth sign and these people tend to play life, and chess, close to the vest. They have their own standards for playing and don’t exhibit the die-hard need to vanquish an opponent… openly. Lulling an opponent with solid, well-known opening lines he’ll often choose variations popular in the 1950s and 1960s. Around moves 13, 14 and/or 15 though, his lullaby turns into a death march as he rolls out a new move for his opening, considered in the past to be unplayable. He is a used bookstore devotee, collecting rare and antiquated chess material with a knowledgeable eye. Obscure, but superb Taurean preparation, often using very old variations challenges his foes to put aside their study and use up precious minutes as the opponent tries to find over the board moves to refute this novelty. A Taurean uses time as if they had a 17th piece on the chessboard. Hoarding, then rushing; dilly-dallying, then slamming the clock with the ferocity he’d like to pummel his opponent with, the Taurus is most inventive when he is in time pressure. Threaten him with just seconds to go and the Taurean’s personal chess muse subconsciously helps him choose the winning move. Taureans have the ability to pull last minute victories from what look like drawn positions. When the sword of Damocles hangs over them they automatically move into an intellectually superior zone and this tension gives them a second wind. They then play with masterly skill, relishing last-minute complications and sacking material as they suck their foes into a deadly, mating whirlpool.

    
    The GEMINI Chess Player (May 21-June 21). Affable, chatty, and with charm dripping from every pore, the Gemini chess player knows instinctively how to work a room, a chess club or a major tournament. Geminis play their opponents far more than they play the board. They notice body language, nervous ticks, etc. and even the way his foe lines up his score sheet and pieces. The Gemini mind is a black hole absorbing all this minutiae and little by little they sense an opponent’s vulnerability. Like a fencer his first moves are meant to mislead, as he feigns one opening and then transposes to another. Geminis adore unusual openings, probably because they have tried so many of them themselves. Solid players bore the Gemini who likes to live by his wits. His impatience alone could rattle the most stoic foe. A tactical genius, the Gemini is known for playing outrageous, lesser-known gambits. Sacking material and setting costly traps the Gemini style features a very peripatetic queen. He loves open positions and again will give away material if this gives him the position his steel-trap mind has planned. In across the board play notice that he will slowly take over more space on the playing table itself, crowding his opponent who doesn’t quite realize why he is feeling cornered both physically and mentally. Action is his middle name and even when doing the deepest middle game analyses, he’ll jump out of his seat, get some water, check his chess bag and look as if he didn’t have anything on his mind. The Gemini is symbolized by the symbol of the twins in astrology, so it can be no surprise that he can do two things at once. What may come as a surprise to his opponents is that he often has Plan A and Plan B in his mind at all times. Just when you think you can squiggle out of his Plan A, his Plan B comes into play and the Gemini’s opponent has to choose Plan R: resignation.

    
    The CANCER Chess Player (June 22-July 22). Endowed with the most natural chess sense of all the signs, the Cancer’s combination of positional memory and sheer tenacity makes him formidable at any age. His repertoire is classical spiced up with a bit of chicanery. Nothing pleases him more than to beat an opponent using the opponent’s favorite opening or gambit. His play is enthralling and foes are torn between admiration and intense dislike. One of the three water signs his hunches are guided by his natural sense of direction. While a foe may joust on one side, the Cancer understands and quietly ridicules this silly, time-wasting ruse. A magus when it comes to brewing up an attacking pattern combining two or more different themes, he’ll strive to keep the position mobile, daring his opponent to close the center. With his hands tied behind his back, he actually covets cramped quarters knowing how to play them to his own advantage. He wants to bait his foe into prematurely tasting victory, though before his opponent has had a chance to smack his lips, the Cancerian’s maneuver becomes all too evident. Cancers play on their own timetable, thinking forever over seemingly no-brainer moves and striding out of the playing room to pace by themselves. You’ll notice a Cancer’s arrival because he’s usually carrying lots of his personal paraphernalia: water, drinks, snacks, pens and/or a box of Kleenex. That a Cancerian has his moods is no surprise, since his ruling body is the moon, ruler of sensation. He’ll either appear very happy or depressed. When he doesn’t emit strong emotions it’s because he’s learned to hide them with an inscrutable, robotic countenance. A chess historian he not only insists on mating his opponent, but in doing so with a position reminiscent of some great game of the past. While making a bit of history for himself.

    
    The LEO Chess Player (July 23-Aug.22). A swashbuckling amalgamation of Luke Skywalker and James Bond, the Leo’s larger-than-life personality diminishes everything in its path including the chess pieces themselves. He poses, he strides, he prevails with seemingly effortless ease. The sign of royalty the Leo feels it is his divine right to win. He hates to watch others, or wait for them as he craves the action of the game. He can actually taste victory, swilling it around in his mind as a wine connoisseur does with a prize vintage. The satisfaction the Leo gets from mating anyone, patzer or master is sublime yet with noblesse oblige he is extremely generous with advice, explaining his chess theories to anyone who will pay him homage. The symbol for Leo is the lion. So, as congenial as the Leo is, as playful, as appealing, as cuddly, he is king of the jungle and will go for the jugular in an instant. Like the big cats he may “toy” with his prey allowing his opponent to make bold moves in the center while he prepares a delicious maneuver. A theatrical player the Leo wants drama. With officials, foes, and by-standers he may flaunt the rules, or challenge them but it is really for show. Actually he is stage managing the game and bringing to bear both chess and psychological weaponry. Anything that turns the limelight on the match thrills him, for he thrives under tense conditions while most foes are rattled. When the position is complicated or unclear he chortles inside, enjoying it when he has to claw his way to a kill. Always the performer, the Leo wraps things up with a flourish. And once again the spotlight falls on this virtuoso proving that he is, indeed, the king.

    
    The VIRGO Chess Player (Aug.23-Sept.22). Deep in the recesses of the Virgo mind lies a binary computer evaluating everything in terms of whether it is something good or bad, positive or negative. The Virgo’s instant, non-stop calculation gives him an analytical edge because this activity is so much a part of his being. Clean, methodical, deceptively simple early play serves as a canvas for him to try out his well-researched ideas. His craft comes to light when he slowly, but steadily chooses subtle space-expanding moves from his palette of options. The Virgo slips in and out of a self-induced hypnotic state, confounding opponents who think they can read the faces of their adversaries. During a match, when the position gets interesting the Virgo starts to fall in love with the game before him. But he is a jealous lover, and at this point he lustfully moves to monopolize and own the game. Suddenly his passions are roused and a friendly game becomes one in which he must annihilate his opponent. Several, long deep breathes signal the Virgo is activating his chi energy, though some may foolishly think he is in retreat. The Virgo motto is: Get me to the end game. He hums through the tricky computations as his foe starts experiencing a Prozac cool down. Whether playing aggressively or strategically, he must control the action. He hates conformity and lives to keep his opponents off-balance often exchanging pieces at what seems an awkward moment. His mating style is one where he entices his opponent into thinking that a lost or difficult position still has winning chances. Betting against a Virgo’s strength at this point is a losing proposition. By the time the Virgo’s wizardry unfolds, and the mating trap is sprung, his opponent should just cash in his chips and vanish.

    
    The LIBRA Chess Player (Sept.23-Oct.23). Spilling charm, class and bonhomie the Libran player turns any chess match into a special occasion. When he shows up, even if playing online, the other players now regard a game, or a tournament as significant. And the Libra? If he’s over the age of ten he always has his personal “to do” list in mind: Look for women; find out if any other women are expected; see if his pals have any women near them; and only then, crush, mangle and annihilate his opponent because his foe might have a woman waiting for him. Fairness is very important to him, afterall his symbol is the scales of justice. He’ll always make the tough, ethical choice and decries any commercialization of the game itself. “Where are your standards?” he’ll declare. His chess toolkit includes the most massive repertoire of drawing maneuvers, and he knows the perfect juncture to make an offer that will be accepted. His tendency to create harmonious, or equal positions may entice his opponent to shake things up a bit more than is safe. Though always an admirer of woman, he’ll swap queens faster and/earlier than any of the other signs. At that point he takes the gloves off turning the game into head to head combat. With the authority of a judge handing down a death sentence he starts to control the show. In the end game he turns into a contrarian player, selecting positions others would shy away from. Many times when it looks as if the Libra is one move away from defeat, he unfurls an avalanche of chess jurisprudence requiring game experts to add a codicil to their notes. His secret strength is the gnarly way he uses his bishop. No one is better. Before you are mislead into thinking this dapper dude is a pushover, don’t forget that he has a hormone-driven agenda and a limbic system hard wired to produce tangible results. Swiftly, the neurons fire off in his brain and the collateral damage to his opponent is lethal.

    
    The SCORPIO Chess Player (Oct.24-Nov.21). Ruled by the planet of power, Pluto, the Scorpio’s nickname could be “the dictator.” And the chess scene presents the perfect backdrop for exercising this birthright. The Scorpion tenacity, calm and venom work together to poison an opponent’s game before the knights come off the first rank. First the Scorpio anesthetizes his quarry with slow play, employing well-analyzed lines and/or leaving the board to look at some other game in progress. Then he surgically and painfully removes whatever scintilla of self-esteem remains. By mocking his foe he causes his victim to think more about him than about the game before them. As he penetrates into enemy territory, a foe will start to see what looks like smokescreen rising from the Scorpio’s side of the board. Beware: the Scorpio’s kundalini life force coiled at the base of his spine in the serpent chakra has awakened, bringing sudden enlightenment about the current position. The opposing player should assiduously avoid making any sound or jarring the Scorpio out of his reverie for this will incite the Scorpio’s anger, which has an impossibly long half-life. The image of the phoenix rising from the dead is another emblem of the Scorpio’s invincibility. If the Scorpio gets in a tough position, he will find the one move that turns the game around. Sudden-death playoffs are his forte. Call him the comeback kid. He prefers to keep the center fluid as he gets a high from the tension of the game. Then before you know it he has blockaded an opponent’s pieces and plucks the foe’s best-placed men with laser precision. Seconds before the post-mortems begin the Scorpio starts staring at his foe’s throat. His eagle eyes notice the almost imperceptible gulps before the opponent chokes conceding the game. At that moment he is no longer the dictator, but the terminator.

    The SAGITTARIUS Chess Player (Nov.22-Dec.21). A mental giant, the Sagittarian springs to life when an almost impossible challenge in thrown down before him. He is a thoroughbred racehorse with a stable of chess knowledge that is more diverse than any other sign. A visionary and intellect, often self-taught, he takes the road less traveled. Not for the Sag are the safe lines and the equal openings. The Sagittarius is at the chessboard for two reasons: to have fun and to upgrade his chess skill. Winning? That’s just a by-product for him, unless… someone rudely throws down a gauntlet. This fire sign and speed demon floors the accelerator and rams into his opponent’s territory with lightning speed. The Sag forces his foe to hydroplane from one side of the board to another, each skid unraveling his opponent’s position. In life Sagittarians love to wander. They get enormous pleasure when they venture into foreign territories and this is especially so when playing chess. One trick they use as a matter of course, is from move one they assume that the foe’s side of the board belongs to them. You’ll notice the Sag placing his pieces on the seventh, or using his bishops, and of course his knights, to attack a foe from behind. The Sagittarian memory is unsurpassed, so he learns very quickly but usually solidifies his knowledge by teaching others. He is deceptively open about discussing what he intends to play. But he’ll keep one small, pivotal move to himself and thus stack the deck in his own favor. Sagittarians love to discuss chess unless there’s an obnoxious motor-mouth nearby. The Sag’s command of the language (and often several languages) and his rapier-like wit can quiet a room and/or deflate an opponent leaving no prisoners. When push comes to shove in his chess game, he’ll concentrate in a very unique way. He can envision the chess position in 3 -D and suddenly his mind will become a multiplex unspooling all the possibilities in infinite detail on individual screens. The Sagittarius end game sparkles with a diamond’s incandescence and is as hard to shatter as this precious gem; while his opponent is revealed as a mere zircon bowing to his mastery.

    
    The CAPRICORN Chess Player (Dec.22-Jan.19). The Capricorn is known for being the power behind the throne, the person pulling the strings. His planning is extraordinary, so clever and devious that an opponent doesn’t have the energy to both play and psych him out at the same time. In back rooms, outdoor ventures and/or over the internet Capricorns presents a laid-back style. But, ambition is his middle name. Though the Capricorn admires the chess notables he saves his fealty for Machiavelli. In every great chess player’s individual chart, the planet, Saturn –the destroyer in astrology, is prominent. This celestial body which also gives the Capricorn an especially retentive memory rules Capricorns. Thus Capricorns have an edge when it comes to remembering unusual openings and tough-to-decipher end game positions. He’s the consummate entrepreneur and while playing chess he always has some sideline business or secret, parallel goal in mind. “How can I use this situation?” he asks referring to the chess game and life itself. Practical and precise they do not suffer fools easily. His highly evolved sense of the ridiculous allows him to find humor in everything. From childhood this mirth has been used to put a positive spin on his ruthlessness. At first he seems like the Tooth Fairy or Santa to his opponent, but near or after move 15, his foe sees that the Capricorn has been transformed into a greedy, grabby IRS agent. Each game becomes a case study so how he wins really matters to him. A solid state physicist, not a theoretical one he favors the concrete over the artful. He’s known for resuscitating old, even archaic openings, updating them with a slight hyper-modern twist. His zodiac icon is the mountain goat. Thus a Capricorn is a climber. It’s his nature to walk a tightrope. A climber, it is his nature to walk a tightrope. When pushed to the wall he becomes exhilaratingly imaginative and actually enjoys having to dig himself out. His self-composure comes from his belief, that when it comes to chess, his foe is a parasite and he the host. By marginalizing his opponent this way, his storehouse of energy is unleashed, turning his foe into a tired, chess playing, Sisyphus as once again the Capricorn celebrates victory at the top of the mountain.

    
    The AQUARIUS Chess Player (Jan.20-Feb.18). Sui generis. The iconoclast of the chess world. This maverick futurist is the stuff that myths are made of. It’s no surprise that there are more Aquarians in the Hall of Fame, than any other sign. Simply put: They are standouts at everything they do, especially when it comes gaming. But this is no common Boy Scout for the Aquarian’s curiosity gets him into arenas that less intrepid seekers would avoid. A great improviser he loves chess positions that are completely new to him, relishing the fresh analysis he must do over the board. He instinctively knows and understands game theory and often flirts with other board games as well. For the Aquarian the twists and turns when the initiative switches between him and his foe are thrilling. But mid-game something clicks and he mentally tweaks the two-dimensional chessboard into one continuous Mobius strip where there is only one side: His. Although the most popular sign of all twelve, the Aquarian can be a bit of a snob regarding chess. His low threshold for boredom combined with his disdain for sloppy play makes him very particular, when possible, when choosing his opponents. God forbid if he has to mingle with the hoi polloi, preferring more genuine street people. Everything in chess is about “high-concept” to the Aquarian (the term was probably coined by this sign). At the beginning of the game the Aquarian is an endearing, nonconforming cowboy, eliciting quiet admiration from his foe. The Aquarian doesn’t rush to crush his opponent, preferring to wrangle him to the ground limb by limb. Remember he is the Teflon combatant, nothing gets in his way when he smells blood. In the end game the Aquarian will usually start teasing his opponent, prolonging a mate and letting his foe dangle. But he is a cowboy afterall and if necessary he will use his six-shooter.

    The PISCES Chess Player (Feb. 19-Mar. 20). Let it be known that the Pisces has a guardian angel in his corner. Is it good karma or slick maneuvering which propels him through the trickiest of traps? He lies in wait for his opponent to mismanage a critical position. When he’s pushed the envelope a bit too far leaving a piece en prise the fates step in an save him. Ruled by the planet governing miracles, Neptune, the Pisces pulls victory from the jaws of defeat repeatedly. He exudes compassion, empathy and sympathy… away from the chessboard, but when facing those 64 squares he uses these emotive skills to “become” his foe. He can time travel into the opponent’s brain and pick up the themes and future ideas that his foe is contemplating. Many Pisceans find that they have a special affinity for math, computers, music and chess, as the logic in these disciplines is similar. Thus a Piscine uses chess programming with creative panache; inventing or modifying programs faster than others can learn them. Pisceans simply have to be in the presence of titled players to improve. Natural mimics, when they fixate on the chess style of a great master they can elevate their play almost instantaneously. Atmosphere is everything. Through osmosis he can view another game in progress, and immediately he absorbs the nuances of that position and applies them to his own. The symbol for Pisces is “the two fishes” each swimming in opposite directions, so subterfuge is his most lethal device. He’ll confuse his opponents into oblivion. Some days the Pisces will trot out an opponent’s favorite opening and use it against him. Other days the Pisces will make several moves — which look like outright blunders — to psychologically bait his foe into overreaching and under protecting his pieces. The Pisces is known for his prophylactics which more risky players may discount much to their own peril. For the Pisces will sum up his victorious methodology in one word: preparation.

  • (I’m not convinced those aren’t parodies… Poe’s Law in action)

  Does chess drive players mad, or, as Bill Hartston suggests, keep the madness at bay?  Either way, it is little insulation against Procto-Cranial Colocation Syndrome…